My father’s departure

As I write these words, sadness floods my heart, I feel like when an ocean wave has knocked you down and you are reeling under the water. There is no sense of direction under the waves, their power drags you down and there is nothing to do but to let go, just let go.

I lost all communication with my father, he passed away almost 3 months ago, and this is the first time I write about it.

In our last phone call, I said: “The next time we talk, we will be in Texas” since we were in the process of moving and I received the news of his death shortly after we had arrived.

After the initial shock, combined with all the work involved with moving and relocating, in addition to preparations for my little one who was about to start school, I made a trip to Mexico, my motherland, to spend time with my mom and siblings.

It’s been a month since my return, and what I miss the most is talking with my dad, sharing ideas and experiences with him, discussing challenges and happenings, listening to his pearls of wisdom, and simply enjoying our talks and his jokes.

I used to send him photos of my family and videos frequently, apart from our conversations. He always shared videos with me, with messages of inspiration, the kind you see on social media. Always with deep meaning or with teachings about life.

I told him “Daddy, please don’t send me those messages” I really don’t love watching videos with scrolling words, lasting 5 minutes or more, with elevator music in the background.

I recognize that his sending them to me, was an indication that even though I have lived away, in another country for decades, he had me present and wanted to share things that he liked and enjoyed.

My father did not partake in social media, however at 85, he actively participated in “whatsapp” and video calls with great skill, and I regularly sent him messages in “telegram”, which he was beginning to get used to.

Well, this is what I lost. Despite having exported our “whatsapp” conversation (twice!), I did not realize that the export files were empty and so I deleted my account, and there is no way to retrieve them.

What hurts the most is missing the supportive words he sent to me when my 12-year-old canine friend passed away, just two months before he, too, left. – Neither backups, copies, nor screen images included his message.

I wasn’t ready

There are times when we need to step away from something that brings us sadness, in order to gain the strength required to face it.

I am aware that my father has moved beyond his physical body and that he no longer shares the material world with us, who continue to navigate this journey. I know that death is part of the experience we call life and that you have to be willing to let go, he told me so himself in the very message he sent, when I was going through the loss of my furry friend.

Yes, I know! And I realize that messages and videos are something external, but they were still there after his departure. They were something I could actually return to and enjoy, keeping in mind that my dad had shared them with me.

He was not very expressive, like the men of his time, he was reserved and communicated what was necessary, he was formal and kind, and well, he also knew how to have fun, but in a matter of feelings, he kept to himself.

In my experience, he did what had to be done, and he did it with intention, giving his best always. He was methodical and did not complain, he was a man of honor and integrity, and this was apparent in everything he did.

My dad was a fighter, although he stumbled at times, he always bounced back. Even if perhaps he didn’t do all he wanted, he was constantly setting new goals and exceeding them. He worked with gusto until the end, always excelling in his work.

Irony or hope?

I know I challenged him a lot, having left home as a single young woman at 21, to explore the world and life, by myself, (not a big deal in USA culture, yet not very common, 30 years ago, in a traditional Mexican Catholic family), my free spirit could not follow tradition, which was tough for him and even though it wasn’t easy, he always gave me the freedom to be myself.

Although I challenged him and some of his teachings, he allowed me to explore and express my voice, and even if at first he didn’t understand me, in the end, we were able to freely share and talk about the wonders and mysteries of life.

Upon realizing that the export file was empty, a wave of sadness washed over me, there was a knot in my throat and I felt lightheaded, I lost my breath for a moment and my eyes filled with tears, as I realized there was nothing left.

Only one video remained, the name of the video: “This is a new day.”

Beloved dad, you are forever present in my heart, I thank you for my life and for your example of honor and tenacity. And even though I lost the messages I was trying to keep, I appreciate you sending them to me, I know now that this is a new day.

It seems that this was the message that was meant to stay.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, dad.
I adore you, always ❥ Your daughter, Nily.

"This is a new day" by Facundo Cabral

"This is a song that I like to sing the most, I sing it every morning to thank the immense kindness of the Lord to give me a new day, that is, to start over."

This is a new day
To start again
To search for the angel
That my dreams grow

To sing,  to laugh
To be happy again
To sing, to laugh
To be happy again

On this new day
I will leave the mirror
And I will try to be
A good man at last

Facing the sun I will walk
And with the moon I will fly
Facing the sun I will walk
And with the moon I will fly

"There is always a new day, this means that you can always start over. Remember that Aristotle wrote his great works after the age of 55, Kant wrote the critique of pure reason at age 66, and Darwin wrote the origin of the species at age 70, even, Moses wrote the exodus at age 80, the beloved Tamayo painted until the age of 91, Picasso and Chagall until the age of 92. "

"You can always start over. There is always a new day. Every morning the Lord awaits in our hearts, we just have to listen so that the day is what it was meant to be, a party."

This is a new day
Yes sir!
To start again
To search for the angel
That grows my dreams

To sing, to laugh
To be happy again
To sing, to laugh
To be happy again

❥ Namaste

“The light in me honors and salutes the light within you.”

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